The U.S. Supreme Court upheld the state of Alabama’s right to ban the distribution of “any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs.” Butt plugs and jelly dildos have never sounded so sterile. This ban isn’t just on the sale, but on any distribution of such devices. This means that you, being a craftsman of sorts, can fashion your own anal beads, but give them to someone else and you could be out 10k$ and jailed for a year. Now, I know your mind went racing off on a tangent, as mine did as well, once I referred to the act of giving a sex toy to another. I sit in anticipation for the day when I can see the Alabama Coalition for American Values and Ethics present in court that to use a sexual device on another is to “give it to them” over and over again, as it would be, and then assert that this is clearly distribution of the faux phallux to the genital region of the subject. Distribution of sex toys being illegal in Alabama, the court would hand down a stiff penalty for this illegal transfer of a rubber dong.

Now I know there are many more words to descriptively refer to sexual devices in a humourous way, but the point of this post is still looming. The legal action in this case centers on Alabama’s 7 year old law that intends to prohibit the sale of synthetic genitals and their look alikes, so long as they are primarily designed or marketed as sexual aids. This sort of allowance makes way for neck and back vibrators and other such massage tools, but the word of the law refers to exemptions for sexual devices intended “for a bona fide medical, scientific, educational, legislative, judicial or law enforcement purpose.” That list goes on futher than I think it should, but let us just take a look at it quickly.

I can understand medical, scientific and educational exemptions. This is so doctors, scientists and teachers can still buy all the strap-on, sit-on or ride-on devices they care to busy themselves with. They’re hard working people and they’re what keeps creativity and innovation moving in this country… they need all the breaks we can provide for them. They also need drugs, so I think a “medical, scientific and educational” clause in the country’s drug laws are in order. No chance? Where would this country be without medicine, science and education professionals? Do you want them all to go to Europe and Canada where sex toys come free in cereal boxes and the drugs can be delivered right to your door? Sex, drugs and innovation for all, I say.

No, the problem doesn’t lie in the first half of Alabama’s too-lengthy exemption list. No, I find increasingly disturbing issues as the sentence plays out. Legislative, judicial or law enforcement purpose? Yeah, all three of them… in a row. Okay, legislators, I’m sure, will have no problem finding a use for a vibrating rod of latex. It’ll look great in their constituents’ collective rear as they make more restrictions on civil liberties for the “immoral” to utilize the “obscene”. After the legislature is allowed their dirty devices, the same right is retained for judicial purposes. Will the judge weild a neon colored, semi-soft “penis gavel” to preside over cases of a sexual nature, or is it just to give the judge an obvious sexual advantage over a (well) hung jury?

Courtroom copulation aside, the most interesting stipulation, to me, is for law enforcement. Now I know this law wouldn’t ban nightsticks or plungers, as those choice sexual assault / interrogation tools aren’t designed or marketed for genital stimulation. So, why this allowance for the cops? Well the mind brings to light several brightly colored, buzzing and vibrating weapons that the pigs might break out and oil up to deal with a crowd of Conservative Christian Radicals. Should the weight of “anti-choice abortion stopping” and “anti-progress stem cell research blocking” protests become too much for them to bear, leaving them to hurl D-cell batteries and homemade firebombs at honest, hardworking police officers, the quadruple headed vibrating dildo assault system would be broken out. A shoulder-fired LAWS rocket based plastic wang accelerator could easily take out a dozen bible thumping minions while scattering the rest with the threat of high speed pentration from the extremely long arm of the law.

Do I really believe that the above situation is applicable to the world which you and I share? No, of course not. The cops would never attack Conservative protesters, even if they were letting loose with the lead-acid projectiles or even the occasional “rag in a fifth” IED. These aforementioned law enforcement tools would be used solely on the captured, subdued and restrained, but those who also fall into categories pertaining to minority status with regards to race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation or even political views. These such people are at the highest risk of being terrorists, and as such should be awarded no rights. Trial by a jury of your peers? Nevermind the peers or the jury, the trial is simply out of the question. Constitutionally protected due process shouldn’t stand in the way of securing the safety of Americans. We’d rather live in a cage on antibiotics than risk dying at the hands of, well… anything. Fuck safety, fuck the government and fuck the police!

And now, your moment of zen: Alabama Attorney General Troy King says that this case involves conduct that is both public and commercial, the sale of sexual devices to the general public in commercial retail shopping centers and at in-house Tupperware-style parties.

For serious?